Jason tried to walk through the front door of the state lottery office in as unassuming a way as possible so he wouldn’t get mugged but could hardly conceal his excitement at winning the Mega Trillions Pick 38. He decided the first place he would go as a trillionaire would be the McMarvins that laid him off two years ago. Jason thought that was his career job and even though it was minimum wage his family was living quite nicely after the minimum wage act raised his pay to $47.50 an hour. Then those corporate rats unveiled the McShortOrderCook3000 and the McOrderTaker2500 which led to mass layoffs except for one person per shift to take out the trash, sweep the floors, clean the bathrooms, and wheel out a spare machine in case of a breakdown.
It seemed un-American to lay off so many McMarvin employees but the government and public went along with it since the Big Marvin Meal was going to be reduced in price from $62.75 to $41.50. It was hailed as a victory for the common people for all but the common McMarvin employees. Jason tried to get one of the remaining jobs (which paid $52.50 an hour) but with only a degree in Chemical Engineering he couldn’t compete with the youngsters with Social Networking degrees that could get the company more likes, looks, and relikes while performing their menial duties.
It wasn’t as if being unemployed the last two years was so bad. Jason and his family got free food, health care, rent, and a clothing allowance from the government. He even got a free iPhone 14 as part of the Connected America for All Act. The only downside to his iPhone was that the govNet wireless internet was constantly going down due to the usage rates. Jason didn’t even have to pay for his Mega Trillions ticket since he got a free ticket into every drawing as part of the America Has Hope Act. Still there was something that spoke to Jason’s soul about earning a living by the sweat of his brow and his skills of persuasion in convincing customers to Ultra-size their meal for an extra $20 dollars.
Yes, that Double Cheese McMarvin was going to taste good and with the Mega Trillions prize money Jason thought he might even have 2 of those $38.50 burgers and a $25 MarvShake to go along with it. As he pressed the elevator button to get to the 11th floor lottery claims office, Jason let out an involuntary laugh as he thought of asking for extra pickles and extra secret sauce on his Double Cheese McMarvin which occasionally caused the McShortOrderCook3000 to jam its robotic arms together if they weren’t in perfect alignment.
Jason put his thoughts on hold as the elevators opened to a sterile office lobby. The receptionist coolly asked if he could help Jason. Jason told him he had the winning Mega Trillions ticket. The receptionist asked Jason to scan the ticket using the device on his desk. Once Jason’s ticket was verified the receptionist’s disposition immediately brightened as he asked Jason to wait a few moments. The receptionist made a phone call and announced that Jason would be taken care of in a few moments.
After a few minutes Jason was getting a little edgy but a movie star looking woman burst into the lobby surrounded by a camera crew and brightly said “Here’s our newest Mega Trillionaire!” She introduced herself as Hela Vaday, the Mega Trillions lottery director/cheif spokesperson and brought Jason to a brightly lit auditorium that was just off the lobby. As she was leading Jason to the podium in the front of the auditorium, Hela told Jason that in order to collect his winnings he had to give a promotional interview so more people would be encouraged to play Mega Trillions.
Jason hadn’t told anyone he had even won the Mega Trillions lottery, much less that he was heading to the lottery office to turn over the ticket this morning. Nevertheless there were at least a dozen reporters in the auditorium. Jason told the reporters about how he was laid off for the last two years and that he was going to take his prize of 131 trillion dollars less taxes in 20 equal payments so he wouldn’t do anything rash with such a huge prize. His favorite part of the interview was when a reporter told him he could blow his nose with hundred dollar bills for the rest of his life. Jason replied “If I need to blow my nose I’ll buy a Kleenex factory” and it drew a nice laugh. He posed for pictures with a giant check made out to him with ‘$131,000,000,000,000.00’ printed on it and then sat down with Hela to do the paperwork.
Hela had a laptop and some forms for Jason to sign and said “I understand you want to take your prize in 20 annual payments. We can process that and give you your first installment right now.” Jason agreed thinking that 2 or 3 trillion dollars a year after taxes would be more money than he could ever spend. “Just print right here” said Hela as she handed him an electronic fingerprint pad. Jason pressed his right index finger on the pad and in seconds his identity was verified as the owner of the winning ticket.
“Now that your identity and the winning ticket has been verified Jason, lets crunch the numbers!” said Hela. Jason just wanted his money but he knew that the various government entities would all have their hands out and he would just have to see how bad it would be. Hela started the run down. “Well Jason, 131 trillion dollars is quite a bit of money. Let’s see. There is 38% for the federal government which is 49 trillion seven hundred and eighty billion dollars; 8% for the state government. That’s another 10 trillion four hundred eighty billion dollars.” Jason was getting dizzy from watching Hela’s fingers flying over her laptop as she continued. “Unfortunately your city of residence requires a 4 percent payment which is five trillion two hundred forty billion dollars. That leaves a subtotal of 65 trillion dollars.”
Jason’s mouth was turning to cotton as he stammered out “subtotal? There’s more?” Hela quickly replied “Just the Fair Share Tax surcharge. I’m sure you read about it. It’s the new tax passed on the 1% percent this year to help pay off the budget deficit in order to create a stronger nation for all and balance the budget in less than 30 years.” Jason shuddered as he remembered voting for all the candidates who were for the Fair Share Tax surcharge because there money set aside for new 3D curved 128 inch vidscreens for unemployed people who couldn’t afford new vidscreens. At the time it seemed like a good idea and the vidscreen is spectacular. “How much is the surcharge?”
“Let’s see. This year we need to divide the amount of deficit reduction target by the number of people in the top 1% of income. You are in the top 1% with your three trillion two hundred seventy five billion dollars and there are 51,200 in the one percent pool. So I just have to divide this years’ target of 167 quadrillion 679 trillion, 999 billion 998 million, and 31 thousand dollars by 51,200 and there it is! Your Fair Share Tax Surcharge for this year is three trillion 274 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 961 dollars and 55 cents.”
Jason felt numb as he asked “How much is left?” Hela replied “38 dollars and 45 cents! I could give you a check but we have that much in our petty cash box.” Hela counted out the money and handed it to Jason saying “It was so nice to meet you and congratulations on winning Mega Trillions! I hope you’ll keep on playing Mega Trillions. Don’t forget – you have to be in it to win it!”
Jason felt like he was outside his body as he moved to the elevator with his $38.45 which wasn’t even enough for one Double Cheese McMarvin. “How could this be happening? This must be some sort of a mistake or joke” he thought as he pressed the elevator button when he hear Hela shout “Jason, wait a second!” Jason felt a sigh of relief as he knew this was some sort of reality vid gag but Hela just gave him a scrap of paper and said “I almost forgot. We have a special gift for all lottery winners this month! Have a great day!” And with that Hela was gone. Jason glumly got in the elevator and looked at the scrap of paper on his way back to the street. It was a coupon to get a dollar off a Double Cheese McMarvin…
Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Arvin Jackson, Loan Officer in
The Bigger They Are The More You Can Loan Them
Arvin Jackson headed into the office on a Wednesday morning thinking this had to be the best day of the week so far since anything short of a car accident would put this day at the top of a train wreck of a week. Missing out on the promotion to Senior Loan Officer Monday wasn’t totally unexpected. Arvin was the frontrunner until he found Billy the intern sleeping in the supply closet last week and asked him to come out of the closet and get to work. Someone from Human Resources overheard and sent an email to the entire company detailing the incident to make sure that everyone knew World Bank Unlimited was a ‘diversity friendly’ workplace full of tolerance except for diversity intolerance which would not be tolerated and that Arvin had been scheduled for a 48 hour sensitivity training boot camp to be held on Super Bowl weekend.
“The promotion wasn’t that important. You didn’t really want the window office.”, Arvin told himself as he wound his way to the roof top of the parking garage. Billy got a promotion to Junior Loan Officer to pre-empt any legal action for his ‘humiliation’ and Arvin imagined the extra money would come in handy since Billy had recently been arrested for selling drugs to half of the companies in the building to supplement his intern's income.
As Arvin got out of his car, the morning long drizzle turned into a downpour with a crack of thunder as he ran to the elevator which started its journey to the 40th floor just before he got to the door. As Arvin pushed the button to summon another elevator he thought about how he would have to hang his coat up to dry in his interior office which reminded him of Tuesday’s performance review when he was told that he was in danger of being moved to a cubicle if he didn’t start approving more loans. “Approving loans is how this company stays in business!” the Vice President of Loan Officers said. Arvin’s argument that while approving loans was important it was equally important not to be the loan holder when the client went bankrupt fell on deaf ears.
Arvin smiled as he got onto the elevator, thinking about his almost supernatural ability to be the next to last lender - gaining high interest rates and fees and a nice commision before another bank would issue a bigger loan to pay off World Bank Unlimited only to see the client declare backrupcy. But all this new V.P. cared about was getting loans on the balance sheet which was how she got the job in the first place and it didn’t matter that the officers that approved the shakiest of loans were just using World Bank Unlimited to pad their statistics to get a bigger offer from their next job. Most of these kids never saw a year at World Bank before moving on and leaving the unpaid loans they approved for the V.P. to explain to the board (which was how the V.P. job opened up in the first place). Arvin thought he was immune to this ‘approval’ pressure after seven years at World Bank Unlimited but knew he could play the game as well as anyone and would start approving loans and bring his resume to the Third National Bank on the 28th floor since they were looking for Senior Loan Officers.
Before Arvin could get to his office he was stopped by a large man with sunglasses and a black suit. “You’ll have to wait here, sir”, said the man. Arvin could see his co-workers peeking around the corners and heard whispering about an SEC investigation. There were three people in black suits waving electronic devices in his office and another two dozen black suited people sweeping the rest of the office with electronic devices. Arvin tried to ask the large man in the sunglasses and black suit what was going on but was not getting any response except for the monotonic “You’ll have to wait here, sir”. After a few minutes the man pressed a button on his headgear and said “All clear”.
At that point a hushed silence came into the room as the elevator doors opened and the President of the United States strode through the hallway surrounded by an entourage of black suited people that Arvin now realized were Secret Service personnel. The President walked directly to Arvin and grabbed his hand saying “Arvin Jackson, it’s nice to meet you. Can we talk for a few minutes?”
Arvin stammered out “Of course, Mr. President. Let’s go into my office.” The President and three secret service types came into the office while Arvin hung his wet coat up while noticing that the President and all the black suited types were completely dry. Arvin asked the President what brought him to World Bank Unlimited and the President said “Arvin, I need a loan. I had my friends at the NSA look up loan officers whose phone conversations and emails showed they believed in our vision for America and your name was at the top of the list.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Mr. President. Are you looking for a personal loan or are you planning on starting up a foundation for your post-presidential years…?”
“Arvin, I’m looking for a business loan of sorts.”
Arvin was confused. Surely the President of the United States could snap his fingers and have enough donations to fund a small country. Thinking this was some sort of photo opportunity for the President, Arvin brought up the loan application form on his computer and asked how much the President was looking to borrow.
“I would like to borrow 600 billion dollars, Arvin.”
Arvin broke into a coughing fit when he heard that, but he quickly grabbed a sip of water. He was sure this was some sort of a practical joke but decided to play along and said “So what is this loan for specifically, Mr. President?”
“I need to balance our country’s budget. The opposition won’t let me raise taxes and my supporters won’t allow me to cut spending so the country needs a loan until the economy turns around.”
“I don’t see why this can’t happen. Float loans typically need some sort of collateral. Perhaps the oil and mineral rights in the National Parks System?”
“I’d love to Arvin, but the only collateral I can only offer is the full faith and credit of the United States of America.”
“Not a problem, Mr. President. Let’s pull up the credit history. Oh my, it seems the country is 17 TRILLION DOLLARS in debt! Apparently the credit of the United States is really just credit with no debit. And it says here that the government is discouraging faith on an unprecedented scale. No prayer in school…the Ten Commandments barred from public buildings…holiday trees replacing Christmas trees. I’m sorry, Mr. President, but there just doesn’t seem to be enough faith or credit to justify a 600 billion dollar loan.”
“Our country has plenty of faith. We have faith in the government to solve their problems and just need some credit to make that happen, Arvin. It’s a shame World Bank Unlimited can’t work with me for the good of the country.”
If the President was disappointed, he didn’t show it. He straightened his tie and adjusted his cufflinks while almost imperceptibly shaking his head from side to side. Arvin racked his brain to think of a way to get this loan done. Just as the President put his hands on the armrests of his chair so as to lift himself up, Arvin blurted out “Wait, Mr. President. What if we made a series of smaller loans targeted for specific needs?”.
“If that’s what we need to do. There is the two billion dollars for the dam in Kentucky that I owe for Senator McConnell delivering enough Republican votes in the Senate to get the shutdown lifted and debt ceiling raised. With the military threatening not to be able to respond to future disasters like the Typhoon Haiyan, 150 billion dollars should be an easy sell. The war on terror is still going on so we could use 50 billion dollars for foreign aid to keep terrorists and their supporters busy burning American flags while we use our drone planes to solve the problem and help their governments buy American weapons. 40 billion dollars can cover the reduction in the food stamp program. And the other 358 billion dollars can go to paying for the shortfall in the new health care system. The only people that are signing up are sick and almost sure to get more out of the system than they put in to it. I had a hard enough time getting the bill passed in the first place without having to go back to Congress for more money and we would also be able to cover some unforeseen IT expenses.”
Arvin put the four loans in the computer and got the answer he feared. “I’m sorry, Mr. President. While the goals of more money for the military, foreign aid, and universal health care are worthy in and of themselves they don’t bring in any direct money to the government to allow it to repay the loans. Without a clear path to repayment, I won’t be able to approve the loan.”
“Arvin, why didn’t you say you were worried about repayment?” the President said and tossed a business card onto his desk. “Call my friend Jan at the Federal Reserve. She’ll provide documentation that not only will the Fed assume the loan at any time, they’ll loan World Bank Unlimited the 600 billion at .1% interest to loan to us at 3%. We’d borrow the money from the Fed ourselves but there are some regulations we haven’t been able to find workarounds to yet.”
Arvin called the number on the card, verified the caller, and within minutes had email confirmation of the guarantee of the loan and a 618 billion dollar transfer to the World Bank Unlimited’s loan fund (The 600 billion dollar loan amount with a three percent commission). Having the available funds and a guarantor with unlimited funds was enough to allow Arvin to manually override the ‘red flags’ on the loan and print the loan application. The President signed the form, Arvin pressed a few more buttons on his computer and said “Thank you for your business, Mr. President. The 600 billion dollars has been transferred to the U.S. Treasury.” The President got up and shook Arvin’s hand, saying, “Thank you, Arvin. If I find myself needing a Treasury Secretary, you will be on my short list.” And just like that, the President was swept out of the 40th floor by his entourage.
When the President left Arvin quickly filed the paperwork so no one else could take credit for the loan and decided to take the afternoon off to shop for a new townhouse and that silver Jag he had his eye on. His normal commission was one half of one percent of the loan amount on most loans and a quarter percent on loans larger than ten million dollars. A quarter percent of 600 billion dollars still left him with a billion and a half dollars before taxes. The elevator opened before Arvin even had time to push the button and took him directly to the parking garage roof for the walk to his car. The rainy morning had given way to a bright sunshiny day and a rainbow was directly overhead. Arvin considered starting his own bank as he headed to his car and thought with a smile, “Who says big government isn’t good for business?”
“The promotion wasn’t that important. You didn’t really want the window office.”, Arvin told himself as he wound his way to the roof top of the parking garage. Billy got a promotion to Junior Loan Officer to pre-empt any legal action for his ‘humiliation’ and Arvin imagined the extra money would come in handy since Billy had recently been arrested for selling drugs to half of the companies in the building to supplement his intern's income.
As Arvin got out of his car, the morning long drizzle turned into a downpour with a crack of thunder as he ran to the elevator which started its journey to the 40th floor just before he got to the door. As Arvin pushed the button to summon another elevator he thought about how he would have to hang his coat up to dry in his interior office which reminded him of Tuesday’s performance review when he was told that he was in danger of being moved to a cubicle if he didn’t start approving more loans. “Approving loans is how this company stays in business!” the Vice President of Loan Officers said. Arvin’s argument that while approving loans was important it was equally important not to be the loan holder when the client went bankrupt fell on deaf ears.
Arvin smiled as he got onto the elevator, thinking about his almost supernatural ability to be the next to last lender - gaining high interest rates and fees and a nice commision before another bank would issue a bigger loan to pay off World Bank Unlimited only to see the client declare backrupcy. But all this new V.P. cared about was getting loans on the balance sheet which was how she got the job in the first place and it didn’t matter that the officers that approved the shakiest of loans were just using World Bank Unlimited to pad their statistics to get a bigger offer from their next job. Most of these kids never saw a year at World Bank before moving on and leaving the unpaid loans they approved for the V.P. to explain to the board (which was how the V.P. job opened up in the first place). Arvin thought he was immune to this ‘approval’ pressure after seven years at World Bank Unlimited but knew he could play the game as well as anyone and would start approving loans and bring his resume to the Third National Bank on the 28th floor since they were looking for Senior Loan Officers.
Before Arvin could get to his office he was stopped by a large man with sunglasses and a black suit. “You’ll have to wait here, sir”, said the man. Arvin could see his co-workers peeking around the corners and heard whispering about an SEC investigation. There were three people in black suits waving electronic devices in his office and another two dozen black suited people sweeping the rest of the office with electronic devices. Arvin tried to ask the large man in the sunglasses and black suit what was going on but was not getting any response except for the monotonic “You’ll have to wait here, sir”. After a few minutes the man pressed a button on his headgear and said “All clear”.
At that point a hushed silence came into the room as the elevator doors opened and the President of the United States strode through the hallway surrounded by an entourage of black suited people that Arvin now realized were Secret Service personnel. The President walked directly to Arvin and grabbed his hand saying “Arvin Jackson, it’s nice to meet you. Can we talk for a few minutes?”
Arvin stammered out “Of course, Mr. President. Let’s go into my office.” The President and three secret service types came into the office while Arvin hung his wet coat up while noticing that the President and all the black suited types were completely dry. Arvin asked the President what brought him to World Bank Unlimited and the President said “Arvin, I need a loan. I had my friends at the NSA look up loan officers whose phone conversations and emails showed they believed in our vision for America and your name was at the top of the list.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Mr. President. Are you looking for a personal loan or are you planning on starting up a foundation for your post-presidential years…?”
“Arvin, I’m looking for a business loan of sorts.”
Arvin was confused. Surely the President of the United States could snap his fingers and have enough donations to fund a small country. Thinking this was some sort of photo opportunity for the President, Arvin brought up the loan application form on his computer and asked how much the President was looking to borrow.
“I would like to borrow 600 billion dollars, Arvin.”
Arvin broke into a coughing fit when he heard that, but he quickly grabbed a sip of water. He was sure this was some sort of a practical joke but decided to play along and said “So what is this loan for specifically, Mr. President?”
“I need to balance our country’s budget. The opposition won’t let me raise taxes and my supporters won’t allow me to cut spending so the country needs a loan until the economy turns around.”
“I don’t see why this can’t happen. Float loans typically need some sort of collateral. Perhaps the oil and mineral rights in the National Parks System?”
“I’d love to Arvin, but the only collateral I can only offer is the full faith and credit of the United States of America.”
“Not a problem, Mr. President. Let’s pull up the credit history. Oh my, it seems the country is 17 TRILLION DOLLARS in debt! Apparently the credit of the United States is really just credit with no debit. And it says here that the government is discouraging faith on an unprecedented scale. No prayer in school…the Ten Commandments barred from public buildings…holiday trees replacing Christmas trees. I’m sorry, Mr. President, but there just doesn’t seem to be enough faith or credit to justify a 600 billion dollar loan.”
“Our country has plenty of faith. We have faith in the government to solve their problems and just need some credit to make that happen, Arvin. It’s a shame World Bank Unlimited can’t work with me for the good of the country.”
If the President was disappointed, he didn’t show it. He straightened his tie and adjusted his cufflinks while almost imperceptibly shaking his head from side to side. Arvin racked his brain to think of a way to get this loan done. Just as the President put his hands on the armrests of his chair so as to lift himself up, Arvin blurted out “Wait, Mr. President. What if we made a series of smaller loans targeted for specific needs?”.
“If that’s what we need to do. There is the two billion dollars for the dam in Kentucky that I owe for Senator McConnell delivering enough Republican votes in the Senate to get the shutdown lifted and debt ceiling raised. With the military threatening not to be able to respond to future disasters like the Typhoon Haiyan, 150 billion dollars should be an easy sell. The war on terror is still going on so we could use 50 billion dollars for foreign aid to keep terrorists and their supporters busy burning American flags while we use our drone planes to solve the problem and help their governments buy American weapons. 40 billion dollars can cover the reduction in the food stamp program. And the other 358 billion dollars can go to paying for the shortfall in the new health care system. The only people that are signing up are sick and almost sure to get more out of the system than they put in to it. I had a hard enough time getting the bill passed in the first place without having to go back to Congress for more money and we would also be able to cover some unforeseen IT expenses.”
Arvin put the four loans in the computer and got the answer he feared. “I’m sorry, Mr. President. While the goals of more money for the military, foreign aid, and universal health care are worthy in and of themselves they don’t bring in any direct money to the government to allow it to repay the loans. Without a clear path to repayment, I won’t be able to approve the loan.”
“Arvin, why didn’t you say you were worried about repayment?” the President said and tossed a business card onto his desk. “Call my friend Jan at the Federal Reserve. She’ll provide documentation that not only will the Fed assume the loan at any time, they’ll loan World Bank Unlimited the 600 billion at .1% interest to loan to us at 3%. We’d borrow the money from the Fed ourselves but there are some regulations we haven’t been able to find workarounds to yet.”
Arvin called the number on the card, verified the caller, and within minutes had email confirmation of the guarantee of the loan and a 618 billion dollar transfer to the World Bank Unlimited’s loan fund (The 600 billion dollar loan amount with a three percent commission). Having the available funds and a guarantor with unlimited funds was enough to allow Arvin to manually override the ‘red flags’ on the loan and print the loan application. The President signed the form, Arvin pressed a few more buttons on his computer and said “Thank you for your business, Mr. President. The 600 billion dollars has been transferred to the U.S. Treasury.” The President got up and shook Arvin’s hand, saying, “Thank you, Arvin. If I find myself needing a Treasury Secretary, you will be on my short list.” And just like that, the President was swept out of the 40th floor by his entourage.
When the President left Arvin quickly filed the paperwork so no one else could take credit for the loan and decided to take the afternoon off to shop for a new townhouse and that silver Jag he had his eye on. His normal commission was one half of one percent of the loan amount on most loans and a quarter percent on loans larger than ten million dollars. A quarter percent of 600 billion dollars still left him with a billion and a half dollars before taxes. The elevator opened before Arvin even had time to push the button and took him directly to the parking garage roof for the walk to his car. The rainy morning had given way to a bright sunshiny day and a rainbow was directly overhead. Arvin considered starting his own bank as he headed to his car and thought with a smile, “Who says big government isn’t good for business?”
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The classroom of the future
A Sociology class 80 years from now...
“Today we will continue our discussion of the evolution of marriage in the United States in the 21st century. As you may recall, we left off the last class at the year 2011, when marriage was still considered by some to the province of a man and a woman, but many states had endorsed the idea of any 2 humans being able to be legally married. Who would like to continue the discussion? Yes, Barry, go ahead.”
“Shortly after marriage between any two humans and civil unions became accepted, the Multi-Partner Marriage Alliance was formed with funding from the Mormons. The MPMA decried the idea of marriage as an institution between 2 people as an old-fashioned idea ignorant of the new realities of the 21st century. Doctors and scientists proved that the desire to be married to more than one partner at a time was genetic and not learned. Naturalists found many examples in nature of group mating as further proof that MPM was a natural occurrence and not a lifestyle choice. Group marriages were sanctioned by new churches and the North Dakota Supreme Court ruled in a landmark case that laws against multiple partner marriages were a civil rights violation and that MPMs were to be legal. Groups from all over the United States flocked to North Dakota to get married and in order to get in on the group marriage boom, the other 49 states quickly legalized MPMs.”
“Well done. Now who can tell me what changes to marriage came about after the legalization of MPM’s? Jennifer?”
“In the Mid 21st Century, Jeb Olson, a farmer from Nebraska, sued the state for the right to marry his cow, Maribel. He was scoffed at and accused of concocting a scheme to get his cow onto his health care plan, since Maribel was sick and needed a heart transplant. Olsen lost his lawsuit and then Maribel died and Olson took his own life the next day. Within the next 2 months over 20,000 farming families from the Midwest sued for the right to marry their cows and bulls. They formed the Human-Bovine Defense League and part of their trademark was to commit suicide if their cow or bull passed away before they could be married. The HBDL was met with opposition from the religious right, the LGBT community, and the MPMA, who successfully lobbied Congress to pass the 2062 Defense of Marriage Act, which stated that marriage was an institution between humans only. The HBDL were undeterred and continued to sue and protest for the right to marry their cows. The protests were met by counter protests which were sometimes very violent, culminating in the slaughter of 6 men, 3 women, and 9 cows at a Jacksonville, Wyoming HBDL meeting. An Academy Award winning movie depicting the massacre “For the Love of a Cow” was produced and elicited the sympathy of people all over the world. In 2068, the European Union passed a law recognizing the marriage of humans and cows. In the United States, the HDBL was joined by groups of people who wished to wed their dogs, cats, ferrets, etc. Their efforts led to the passage of the Mammalian Marriage Act, which defined the right to marriage between any group consisting of at least one human to any other number of humans and mammals. This put the America in the lead of the human-animal marriage movement.”
“That’s good Jennifer, but I think any discussion of the HBDL must include the military’s refusal to allow the service of anyone involved in a human-mammal marriage until forced to by the Supreme Court. But that’s a topic for another day. Who can bring us up to the present time? Yes, Qanat, please continue.”
“Last year, the Maryland Legislature passed a law allowing the marriage of humans to their state reptile, the Terrapin and all other turtles. This has sparked an outrage of the proponents of traditional marriages, who believe the sacred institution of marriage was designed for humans and mammals and that a turtle is not capable of professing love for a human. The law is currently being reviewed and no human-terrapin marriages are being allowed except for the 23 that were performed before the injunction.”
“That’s correct, Qanat. Let’s see a show of hands. Who is in favor of human-turtle marriages? Who is against? Well, we seem to be fairly evenly split on the issue. Amy, why are you in favor of human-turtle marriages?”
“People used to think the sun revolved around the earth, smoking was good for you, and that marriage was only for a man and a woman. Now the same people who said the earth is flat say you can’t marry a turtle. Why shouldn’t we be able to marry a turtle if we want to? It’s a basic human right.”
“A compelling argument, Amy. Jan, why are you against human-turtle marriages?”
“I think that marriage is something sacred designed for humans and other mammals and allowing humans to marry turtles would destroy the institution of marriage. And if we let humans marry turtles, what’s next? Spiders?”
“Any response, Amy?”
“Jan, your mother is married to 2 goats along with 2 other humans. Don’t you think other people should have the same right to marry a turtle that your mother did in marrying 2 goats?”
“NAAAAAAHHHH!”
“We'll continue this discussion next time. Class dismissed.”
“Today we will continue our discussion of the evolution of marriage in the United States in the 21st century. As you may recall, we left off the last class at the year 2011, when marriage was still considered by some to the province of a man and a woman, but many states had endorsed the idea of any 2 humans being able to be legally married. Who would like to continue the discussion? Yes, Barry, go ahead.”
“Shortly after marriage between any two humans and civil unions became accepted, the Multi-Partner Marriage Alliance was formed with funding from the Mormons. The MPMA decried the idea of marriage as an institution between 2 people as an old-fashioned idea ignorant of the new realities of the 21st century. Doctors and scientists proved that the desire to be married to more than one partner at a time was genetic and not learned. Naturalists found many examples in nature of group mating as further proof that MPM was a natural occurrence and not a lifestyle choice. Group marriages were sanctioned by new churches and the North Dakota Supreme Court ruled in a landmark case that laws against multiple partner marriages were a civil rights violation and that MPMs were to be legal. Groups from all over the United States flocked to North Dakota to get married and in order to get in on the group marriage boom, the other 49 states quickly legalized MPMs.”
“Well done. Now who can tell me what changes to marriage came about after the legalization of MPM’s? Jennifer?”
“In the Mid 21st Century, Jeb Olson, a farmer from Nebraska, sued the state for the right to marry his cow, Maribel. He was scoffed at and accused of concocting a scheme to get his cow onto his health care plan, since Maribel was sick and needed a heart transplant. Olsen lost his lawsuit and then Maribel died and Olson took his own life the next day. Within the next 2 months over 20,000 farming families from the Midwest sued for the right to marry their cows and bulls. They formed the Human-Bovine Defense League and part of their trademark was to commit suicide if their cow or bull passed away before they could be married. The HBDL was met with opposition from the religious right, the LGBT community, and the MPMA, who successfully lobbied Congress to pass the 2062 Defense of Marriage Act, which stated that marriage was an institution between humans only. The HBDL were undeterred and continued to sue and protest for the right to marry their cows. The protests were met by counter protests which were sometimes very violent, culminating in the slaughter of 6 men, 3 women, and 9 cows at a Jacksonville, Wyoming HBDL meeting. An Academy Award winning movie depicting the massacre “For the Love of a Cow” was produced and elicited the sympathy of people all over the world. In 2068, the European Union passed a law recognizing the marriage of humans and cows. In the United States, the HDBL was joined by groups of people who wished to wed their dogs, cats, ferrets, etc. Their efforts led to the passage of the Mammalian Marriage Act, which defined the right to marriage between any group consisting of at least one human to any other number of humans and mammals. This put the America in the lead of the human-animal marriage movement.”
“That’s good Jennifer, but I think any discussion of the HBDL must include the military’s refusal to allow the service of anyone involved in a human-mammal marriage until forced to by the Supreme Court. But that’s a topic for another day. Who can bring us up to the present time? Yes, Qanat, please continue.”
“Last year, the Maryland Legislature passed a law allowing the marriage of humans to their state reptile, the Terrapin and all other turtles. This has sparked an outrage of the proponents of traditional marriages, who believe the sacred institution of marriage was designed for humans and mammals and that a turtle is not capable of professing love for a human. The law is currently being reviewed and no human-terrapin marriages are being allowed except for the 23 that were performed before the injunction.”
“That’s correct, Qanat. Let’s see a show of hands. Who is in favor of human-turtle marriages? Who is against? Well, we seem to be fairly evenly split on the issue. Amy, why are you in favor of human-turtle marriages?”
“People used to think the sun revolved around the earth, smoking was good for you, and that marriage was only for a man and a woman. Now the same people who said the earth is flat say you can’t marry a turtle. Why shouldn’t we be able to marry a turtle if we want to? It’s a basic human right.”
“A compelling argument, Amy. Jan, why are you against human-turtle marriages?”
“I think that marriage is something sacred designed for humans and other mammals and allowing humans to marry turtles would destroy the institution of marriage. And if we let humans marry turtles, what’s next? Spiders?”
“Any response, Amy?”
“Jan, your mother is married to 2 goats along with 2 other humans. Don’t you think other people should have the same right to marry a turtle that your mother did in marrying 2 goats?”
“NAAAAAAHHHH!”
“We'll continue this discussion next time. Class dismissed.”
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