Monday, June 21, 2010

The Big "O"

  At work last week, we had a health screening for employees and spouses. A team of nurses measured our height and weight, took blood for a cholesterol reading machine, and asked a lot of questions. It only took about 15 minutes. While the nurse was waiting for the blood machine to spit out the cholesterol numbers, she asked me a few questions about my diet and exercise routines. I explained my daily pushups and stationary bicycle routines and how I bring a bag of apples, oranges, and lemons to work every day with my sandwiches for lunch. I also explained that I don’t take any medications. I assume this is a rarity, since this fact almost always impresses the health professionals that ask what medications I’m on.

  This nurse did not seem very impressed. She told me that I could cut some calories by using a pita type of bread in my sandwich and substituting vegetables for my apples and oranges, with no admiration for my medication-free state. I knew I was a little overweight, so I chalked it up as her passing the time by dispensing the normal advice.

  When the blood results came back, it said I had a high level of the bad cholesterol. The nurse also showed me a chart of my height and weight that showed me as being OBESE. Not only was I OBESE, I’d have to lose 30 pounds to be merely overweight and then if I could lose another 30 more, I’d be considered normal. Even then, I’d be on the high side of normal.

  I am very concerned at being labeled OBESE. When I played tennis Saturday night, I wondered if the cracks in the court surface were from my pounding on it with my OBESE footsteps. When I went to the Wal-Mart, were people looking at me and snickering or did I just fit right in with the rest of the OBESITIES around me? When I was at the supermarket getting a sample of barbecued meat, I swore I saw the old lady giving out the samples roll her eyes. When I got home, I looked up the Yankees roster and saw that according to this chart, Nick Swisher is also OBESE. Now I have a new favorite player. GO NICK!!!

  After getting a good night’s sleep, I’ve decided to look on the bright side of being OBESE. Until I can get my weight down to the pipe-cleaner proportions of the nurses’ chart, there is a possibility of getting a handicap sticker for my car. I am also thinking that I can get a part time job as Santa Claus this winter. And now that I'm officially OBESE, maybe I can be an athletic champion. Surely there must be some 'OBESE Games' or the 'OBESElympics' for people like me. If not, I'll have to look at getting a copyright and organizing my own games. It could be a TV sensation.

  Seriously though, I am placing the largest responsibility for my OBESITY on my friends at British Petroleum. Worrying about the prospect of a shortage of seafood and the future price of gasoline has made me into an over eater. I’ll have to go online for the claim forms, but maybe I can get some portion of the 20 billion dollars for my suffering.

New Year Resolutions
Blogs 49 (out of 104)
Pushups 4845 9out of 8000)
Stationary Bicycle Miles 311 (out of 525)

...I'd like to see some of my OBESE brothers top that!

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