Micro-Agressed

  I was listening to a podcast where the subject was “micro-aggressions” which is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority)”. . The podcast gave examples of micro-aggressions. Asking someone where they are from was considered a micro-aggression because it is highlighting that they come from somewhere else are different from everyone else. I don’t ask people where they are from because I don’t care but I have been asked plenty of times where I am from and never realized that I was a victim of micro-aggression. It could be that as a white male I am incapable of being a ‘micro-aggressee’ but in my opinion being an east coast native living in the Midwest qualifies me as a member of a marginalized group and therefore affords me the luxury of being the victim of micro-aggressions.

  Another example of a micro-aggression was holding the door open for someone because as the theory goes it implied that the beneficiary of the door-holding is in some manner weak or helpless and just not capable of holding the door open for themselves. I’ve held the door open for both women and men. Sometimes men insist I go first and I go first because I would rather get where I’m going rather than argue. A couple of times a woman got upset with me holding the door but most don’t so I think I’ll continue to hold the door open because I would rather be considered micro-aggressive than rude.

  I saw examples of micro-aggressions from the University of Minnesota website. I think I would put telling someone “they are a credit to their race” or “You speak good English” to be more of a macro-aggressions than micro-aggressions. I did find it interesting that having an excess of liquor stores in a minority neighborhood is considered a micro-aggression since my neighborhood in Marshalltown is having two more liquor stores opening in the next two months along with the Liquor Depot and the 7 Rayos liquor store that opened on main street a couple of years ago. Throw in the fact that all the convenience stores now offer liquor in addition to beer and wine and even the Hy-Vee supermarket and Wal-Mart have separate liquor sections and I think that it is not a micro or macro aggression but an economic reality that there is a lot of liquor being purchased in Marshalltown, Iowa. I could probably make the case that since every place to buy liquor is in close proximity to an ATM the excess of liquor stores in a neighborhood is a sign of great wealth.

  I saw another set of micro-aggression examples on Buzzfeed and these also seemed pretty macro-aggressive to me. Asking someone why their “daughter is so white” seems pretty aggressive to me, how about you? Another site said by using pronouns such as ‘he’ and ‘she’ was ‘micro-aggressive’ because I was making assumptions of the gender identity of the pronoun’s subject.

  I really like the idea of micro-aggressions since armed with this concept I can be insulted by anything and everything from anyone and everyone. I was in a bad mood last week and someone said ‘Good morning’ to me. Back in my naïve days I wouldn’t have given that comment a second thought but now I saw that comment as a micro-aggressive taunt since the speaker presumed I didn’t have DPSD (Delayed sleep phase disorder) which could cause me to never have a good morning. I moped through the day hardly getting anything done but it was OK because after all I was a victim of micro-aggression and could hardly be expected to function at full capacity.

  I even took my newfound knowledge of micro-aggression to a well-known chess website. I was immediately victimized by micro-aggressive behavior , complained to the powers-that-be, and was declared the winner.

pgn4web chessboards courtesy of pgn4web.casaschi.net

  Unfortunately, the rematch did not work out nearly as well.

  After observing so much about micro-aggressions I decided become an expert in the niche category of micro-micro-aggression and have discovered many examples in myself and others. I’ve been teaching a six-session chess class in Grimes this summer. I was just about to compliment one of the class members on an astute observation when I realized that the compliment would have been a micro-micro-aggressive gesture towards the other students since the unsaid comment would be that they were somehow inferior so I held my tongue and didn’t compliment anyone for anything in order not to victimize anyone for anything.

  When the class was over I headed home but first stopped in McDonalds to get a breakfast sandwich for the ride home. There was no one in line and the customer service person at one of the registers said “Welcome to McDonalds! How can I help you?” I immediately felt uncomfortable and marginalized. How dare this customer service person imply that I was needy or otherwise in need of assistance? Luckily there was another customer service person staffing the next register so I headed away from the micro-micro-aggression towards a new beginning.

  “Welcome to McDonalds! How can I serve you?” said this second clerk. Another amazing micro-micro-aggressive comment implying that I was a member of some privileged class that needed service. I suppressed my burning rage and headed to the third and last register.

  “Welcome to McDonalds! Can I take your order?” said this third customer service representative. Finally! A verbal exchange free of the rampant micro-micro-aggression that was pervasive in this Grimes, Iowa McDonalds. I quickly ordered an Egg McMuffin and a $1 soda and paid when the service representative said “We’ll have your order right away. Please wait.” Of all the micro-micro-aggressive statements! I never felt so marginalized at the presumption that just because I was an older white man with an east coast accent I must be in an impatient hurry. I wasn’t expecting this Egg McMuffin to magically appear out of nowhere at 4 in the afternoon and I had planned on using their wireless internet to check my email which I did while waiting the few minutes for my Egg McMuffin.

  Once I got my Egg McMuffin I went to my car, felling so victimized and marginalized I barely noticed the person that held the door open for me and the four cars that let me get in front of them on my way from the parking lot to the interstate. On the long drive home I listened to a talk radio station that talked about the London terror attacks, Kathy Griffin holding a decapitated head of President Trump, President Trump using the London terror attacks as a pretext to support his travel ban, and the latest series of North Korea missile tests. The radio host was talking about how dumbfounded he was that no matter how much attention the media paid to these issues the American people didn’t seem to care. If only the radio host had spent the day being the victim of micro-aggressions and micro-micro-aggressions like I was I’m sure he wouldn’t have any attention span left to pay attention either!

When Animals Caucus...

The 2016 Caucus is hereby called to order. While some states can boast of being the first caucus in the nation only this caucus can claim to be the first ever animal only caucus! I'm your host Kelly Megan. And now let’s introduce our caucus attendees:

Oreo the Dutch rabbit will represent the rodent population, Mr. T the turtle will represent the reptiles...

Pleco will represent the fish, and Sneezy the cat will represent the feline population

And now here are our three candidates in alphabetical order: Baxter – a slightly overweight male beagle, Daisy – a mature fashion conscious female beagle, and Harry – an older male cockatiel that self-identifies as a beagle.

Let’s open the floor to questions. Pleco?
Here's my question, Kelly. Why do the top 28% of all the animals in this house eat more food than the rest of us combined? I only get a few fish flakes each day while the dogs and cats get huge bowls of food. How do the candidates propose to address this inequity?


A wonderful question! Based on a drawing of lots Baxter was chosen to answer the first question. Baxter?
The biggest animals get the most food because they eat the most! What a moronic question. Each animal gets the food they need. Let’s face it Pleco – your recommended diet is a few fish flakes each day. What would you do with a beef stick treat or a bowl of cat food?

Daisy will respond next. Daisy?
I agree that there is an inequity in the food allotment. My plan gives detailed ways to increase the household income so all the animals can have more. It would be my first priority and until then the larger animals can just make do with a little less.


And the last to answer this question will be Harry.
The reason the top 28% of the animals get more food than anyone else is because the economy is rigged. If I’m in charge all animals will share food equally. I’m tired of having the biggest get all they want and the rest of us get scraps like fish flakes and bird seed, aren't you?




Our next question comes from Oreo the rabbit.
Only the dogs and cats ever go to the vet around here. Why don’t all the animals get health care? We all get sick. Just last week I had the sniffles but no one took me to the vet.




It's Daisy's turn to answer first.
Well, the reason only the dogs and cats go to the vet is there are no preventative health programs for rabbits, fish, turtles, and cockatiels. I think this is heartless and unspeakably cruel. I have a plan to provide preventative health services for all animals and once I’m in charge my first order of business will be to implement this plan.

Harry?
This is just another example of the tyranny of the larger richer animals. They eat all the food and then they get sick and use up all the health care resources. Clearly small animal lives don’t matter around here. The only way things will change is if the small animals stand together and demand health care.

Baxter, you are the last respondent.
Well it’s just a matter of economics, Kelly. Let’s face it. A dog is a significant investment and naturally their owners are willing to pay for their health care because dogs provide protection and friendship. Cats don’t provide protection but can keep the house clear of vermin so they also provide some value. What value do rabbits, fish, and the rest of you bring? You’re fun to look at? Give me a break! If you want health care you better prepare to work for it. If you don’t like it then you’re just mad at me because I’m telling it like it is.


Oh My! Well, let’s carry on before we have a riot. Next up is Mr. T the turtle. What is your question, Mr. T?
Thank you, Kelly. I would like to know why only the dogs get to go outside. I’d like to spend some time outside when the weather is warmer but I never see any of the animals outside except the dogs.


Harry will be the first to answer this question.
Once again the biggest animals get all the privileges! Look at these beagles! They eat the most food, go to the vet, AND they get to go outside. Meanwhile all the rest of us don’t get quality health care, eat fish flakes and bird food, and have to stay indoors all the time. This world was made for all animals and when I win all the animals will get their fair share of outside time!
Baxter, do you have a response?
Don’t let this cockatiel incite you into thinking you belong outside. How long do any of you think you would last outside? It’s 20 degrees out and snowing. Dogs don’t go outside because we want to. It’s because we have to! All the rest of you go to the bathroom indoors and no one raises a fuss but if a dog tries that – watch out!

Daisy?
Aside from Baxter’s crude remarks about defecation, I think all animals should have at least some outdoor time. I have a plan to allow for all the animals to have some supervised safe outdoor exposure and when I’m in charge it will be the first item on my agenda.


Our last question comes from Sneezy the cat.
There used to be 4 cats in the house and now I’m the only one. I’d like to know where the candidates stand on allowing more cats in the house.


Baxter, you are up first again.
First I want to make it clear that I like cats and cats like me. I think most cats are great and I love to eat cat food when I can. Having said that, we have to be very careful when allowing new cats in the house because many of them are full of fleas and other diseases and many cats are violent. We have to know what cats are trying to get here and until then I favor a temporary moratorium on more cats in the house.
Harry?
Don’t let Baxter play on your fears. He just wants to keep all the perks of his privileged position. Cats are nice animals as long as they are kept out of the room when I have play time and I say the more the merrier.


Daisy, once again you have the last word.
Cats are very peaceful and perform a lot of functions that the other animals won’t do like catching mice. I welcome the diversity cats bring and my first priority would be to allow more of them in the house.


Well, this was an excellent caucus and it is time to make a decision. I see Harry is the early leader and its not even close. It’s time for our candidates' closing statements. By the drawing of lots before the caucus, Harry is slated to go first. Harry?
Thank you, Kelly. Even though I self identify as a beagle I believe in the self-determination of all animals. It’s time to put an end to the privileges enjoyed by the biggest animals in the house while the rest of us do without. I hope you’ll all join me in promoting equality for all animals.


Baxter, do you have any final comments?
I just want to say that Harry is an awesome candidate and I really like him. But he has a problem. He can’t prove he was born in this country unlike me who has papers from the AKC. And there’s also the issue of his felony conviction as this photographic evidence will show.

Oh my. It looks like the caucus goers are switching from Harry and Baxter has 75% of the votes. Our last statement will be from Daisy.
I am so shocked to see these revelations about Harry. Like Baxter I also have papers from the AKC to prove my country of origin. But unlike Baxter I’ve never been tainted by a scandal like the time Baxter was caught surfing the internet looking at promiscuous pictures.

Oh my word! Well, the final results are in and the unanimous winner is Daisy the Beagle. Congratulations, Daisy! What is the first thing you will do now that you've won the caucus?
Thank you to all my supporters. I want to say I won’t let you down but my first official act will be to take a nap…

Jason's Fair Share

  Jason tried to walk through the front door of the state lottery office in as unassuming a way as possible so he wouldn’t get mugged but could hardly conceal his excitement at winning the Mega Trillions Pick 38. He decided the first place he would go as a trillionaire would be the McMarvins that laid him off two years ago. Jason thought that was his career job and even though it was minimum wage his family was living quite nicely after the minimum wage act raised his pay to $47.50 an hour. Then those corporate rats unveiled the McShortOrderCook3000 and the McOrderTaker2500 which led to mass layoffs except for one person per shift to take out the trash, sweep the floors, clean the bathrooms, and wheel out a spare machine in case of a breakdown.

  It seemed un-American to lay off so many McMarvin employees but the government and public went along with it since the Big Marvin Meal was going to be reduced in price from $62.75 to $41.50. It was hailed as a victory for the common people for all but the common McMarvin employees. Jason tried to get one of the remaining jobs (which paid $52.50 an hour) but with only a degree in Chemical Engineering he couldn’t compete with the youngsters with Social Networking degrees that could get the company more likes, looks, and relikes while performing their menial duties.

  It wasn’t as if being unemployed the last two years was so bad. Jason and his family got free food, health care, rent, and a clothing allowance from the government. He even got a free iPhone 14 as part of the Connected America for All Act. The only downside to his iPhone was that the govNet wireless internet was constantly going down due to the usage rates. Jason didn’t even have to pay for his Mega Trillions ticket since he got a free ticket into every drawing as part of the America Has Hope Act. Still there was something that spoke to Jason’s soul about earning a living by the sweat of his brow and his skills of persuasion in convincing customers to Ultra-size their meal for an extra $20 dollars.

  Yes, that Double Cheese McMarvin was going to taste good and with the Mega Trillions prize money Jason thought he might even have 2 of those $38.50 burgers and a $25 MarvShake to go along with it. As he pressed the elevator button to get to the 11th floor lottery claims office, Jason let out an involuntary laugh as he thought of asking for extra pickles and extra secret sauce on his Double Cheese McMarvin which occasionally caused the McShortOrderCook3000 to jam its robotic arms together if they weren’t in perfect alignment.

  Jason put his thoughts on hold as the elevators opened to a sterile office lobby. The receptionist coolly asked if he could help Jason. Jason told him he had the winning Mega Trillions ticket. The receptionist asked Jason to scan the ticket using the device on his desk. Once Jason’s ticket was verified the receptionist’s disposition immediately brightened as he asked Jason to wait a few moments. The receptionist made a phone call and announced that Jason would be taken care of in a few moments.

  After a few minutes Jason was getting a little edgy but a movie star looking woman burst into the lobby surrounded by a camera crew and brightly said “Here’s our newest Mega Trillionaire!” She introduced herself as Hela Vaday, the Mega Trillions lottery director/cheif spokesperson and brought Jason to a brightly lit auditorium that was just off the lobby. As she was leading Jason to the podium in the front of the auditorium, Hela told Jason that in order to collect his winnings he had to give a promotional interview so more people would be encouraged to play Mega Trillions.

  Jason hadn’t told anyone he had even won the Mega Trillions lottery, much less that he was heading to the lottery office to turn over the ticket this morning. Nevertheless there were at least a dozen reporters in the auditorium. Jason told the reporters about how he was laid off for the last two years and that he was going to take his prize of 131 trillion dollars less taxes in 20 equal payments so he wouldn’t do anything rash with such a huge prize. His favorite part of the interview was when a reporter told him he could blow his nose with hundred dollar bills for the rest of his life. Jason replied “If I need to blow my nose I’ll buy a Kleenex factory” and it drew a nice laugh. He posed for pictures with a giant check made out to him with ‘$131,000,000,000,000.00’ printed on it and then sat down with Hela to do the paperwork.

  Hela had a laptop and some forms for Jason to sign and said “I understand you want to take your prize in 20 annual payments. We can process that and give you your first installment right now.” Jason agreed thinking that 2 or 3 trillion dollars a year after taxes would be more money than he could ever spend. “Just print right here” said Hela as she handed him an electronic fingerprint pad. Jason pressed his right index finger on the pad and in seconds his identity was verified as the owner of the winning ticket.

  “Now that your identity and the winning ticket has been verified Jason, lets crunch the numbers!” said Hela. Jason just wanted his money but he knew that the various government entities would all have their hands out and he would just have to see how bad it would be. Hela started the run down. “Well Jason, 131 trillion dollars is quite a bit of money. Let’s see. There is 38% for the federal government which is 49 trillion seven hundred and eighty billion dollars; 8% for the state government. That’s another 10 trillion four hundred eighty billion dollars.” Jason was getting dizzy from watching Hela’s fingers flying over her laptop as she continued. “Unfortunately your city of residence requires a 4 percent payment which is five trillion two hundred forty billion dollars. That leaves a subtotal of 65 trillion dollars.”

  Jason’s mouth was turning to cotton as he stammered out “subtotal? There’s more?” Hela quickly replied “Just the Fair Share Tax surcharge. I’m sure you read about it. It’s the new tax passed on the 1% percent this year to help pay off the budget deficit in order to create a stronger nation for all and balance the budget in less than 30 years.” Jason shuddered as he remembered voting for all the candidates who were for the Fair Share Tax surcharge because there money set aside for new 3D curved 128 inch vidscreens for unemployed people who couldn’t afford new vidscreens. At the time it seemed like a good idea and the vidscreen is spectacular. “How much is the surcharge?”

  “Let’s see. This year we need to divide the amount of deficit reduction target by the number of people in the top 1% of income. You are in the top 1% with your three trillion two hundred seventy five billion dollars and there are 51,200 in the one percent pool. So I just have to divide this years’ target of 167 quadrillion 679 trillion, 999 billion 998 million, and 31 thousand dollars by 51,200 and there it is! Your Fair Share Tax Surcharge for this year is three trillion 274 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 961 dollars and 55 cents.”

  Jason felt numb as he asked “How much is left?” Hela replied “38 dollars and 45 cents! I could give you a check but we have that much in our petty cash box.” Hela counted out the money and handed it to Jason saying “It was so nice to meet you and congratulations on winning Mega Trillions! I hope you’ll keep on playing Mega Trillions. Don’t forget – you have to be in it to win it!”

   Jason felt like he was outside his body as he moved to the elevator with his $38.45 which wasn’t even enough for one Double Cheese McMarvin. “How could this be happening? This must be some sort of a mistake or joke” he thought as he pressed the elevator button when he hear Hela shout “Jason, wait a second!” Jason felt a sigh of relief as he knew this was some sort of reality vid gag but Hela just gave him a scrap of paper and said “I almost forgot. We have a special gift for all lottery winners this month! Have a great day!” And with that Hela was gone. Jason glumly got in the elevator and looked at the scrap of paper on his way back to the street. It was a coupon to get a dollar off a Double Cheese McMarvin…

Beagle Privilege

It's time to once again check in with Daisy and Baxter - America's favorite beagle bloggers.
This week our intrepid beagles have a special guest!

Hi Everybody! It’s Daisy…  …and Baxter here with another blog! I’m sure glad basketball season is over, Daisy.  Finally! If I had to read any more about Hank’s predictions I don’t know what I’d do.  It’s not like Hank’s predictions are any good - he only gets about half of them right.  I think we could have just as many right as Hank does by guessing. 

Mr. T the turtle is living with us and thanks to Daisy I got an owie on my ear...

Anyway, I’m sure our readers have had enough of basketball talk for a few years so what should we talk about today, Daisy?  We can talk about how we got in a fight on our walk and I bit your ear.  I bled so much that Hank and Kathy had to seal my ear up with super glue – but I don’t want to talk about that.  If I was a boy dog I wouldn’t want to talk about how my sister bit my ear all bloody either.  How about if we talk about the new beagle we saw talking a walk last Sunday?  The new beagle is cute but we’re much cuter. We haven’t met yet and don’t even know its name. There's the turtle Matt and Kathy took home from the pond…  His name is Mr. T. He’s pretty small but once he gets big he’ll go back to the pond. He crawls around but he’s not especially interesting. 

It’s so difficult to come up with new things to write about, Baxter!  I guess that’s why Hank goes on and on writing about going to Okoboji or who’s going to win a basketball game. We could talk about our walks, I guess.  We just blogged about our walks two months ago. Life’s so difficult sometimes.  Life’s so difficult! Better get a raft in case I cry a flash flood.  Harry? What are you doing in our blog?  Yeah! Why don’t you look in your mirror and leave us alone. We’re trying to think of something to write for our blog.  It's hard enough without some cockatiel interrupting us! 

No matter where I turn I have to listen to these two moan... 

Why don’t you two write about how privileged you are? None of the other animals get to go out for walks and treats except you.  What does that have to do with anything?   We get to go out for walks because we’re so much fun. You would fly away if anyone tried to walk you.  Kathy used to let Sneezy the cat go in the backyard until she started running away.  Could you imagine taking Oreo the rabbit for a walk? Or putting a leash on Mr. T the turtle? Hee Hee Hee…  What are you so upset about, Harry? You get out of your cage every day for a few hours. 

I barely got out my cage one day last week. I went over by the TV to look around and Kathy said I was going to chew the wires and put me in my cage.  Well Harry, you really shouldn’t be over by the television. You have a very nice play area with perches.  Easy for you to say – you have the run of the house and you get to go outside all the time while even when I do get out of my cage for a few hours I have to hang around my play area.  If you know you’re not supposed to do something and you do it anyway then you get punished. Let’s face it Harry – you’re a delinquent.  That’s right. And delinquents deserve what they get! 

We don't think it's privilege to go out for walks... If I get too close to the wires it's back to the cage for me.

That’s what I mean. I didn’t chew any wires but I got treated as if I did! You two are so privileged you don’t even know it. I get locked up for just being near a wire but you two get to go out for walks and treats even though you bite each other and everyone else, scrounge for food, and bark and howl all the time.  There are some things you just don’t understand about beagles, Harry. For one thing, beagles are very smart and the most literate of dogs.  And we don’t really mean to be bad - we can’t help ourselves sometimes. We’re just very passionate, you know. I was really sad when I bit your friend Mr. Feathers.  Another thing you may not know about beagles is that most people love us and want to pet us. Think of all the people that would be sad if we didn’t get outside to be petted.  You’re just the beneficiaries of ‘beagle privilege’. The culture says that beagles get to do whatever they want with little or no consequences. Meanwhile I get treated like a criminal just because I’m hanging near the television wires. 

Harry, I don’t understand a thing you’re saying. Where do you get this stuff from?  You two aren’t the only literate ones in this household. I sit on Hank’s shoulder when he reads the news on his computer and I read the front of the newspaper when Kathy reads the inside. That’s where I learned that privileges of the majority are taken for granted because it’s ingrained in society while minorities get little or no privileges. Of course the privileged majority accepts it as the natural order.  I don’t think we’re very privileged, Harry. If I was privileged, I’d be eating beef sticks until I burst! YUM!!!  And we’d certainly have a lot more Pinot Grigio and Chianti infused Salami from Aldi in the house!  Hank hasn’t brought us any broasted chicken from Haley’s in months. That doesn’t sound like privilege to me.  Last Sunday it rained. We didn’t take a morning walk and we didn’t get any beef stick treats. I was so sad. I think a privileged beagle wouldn’t have to go on a walk in order to get a beef stick treat.  Sigh…There’s no talking to you two…. 

You know Harry if you don’t like the living conditions here why don’t you go back where you came from!  Hank told us all about how a co-worker of his gave you and Mr. Feathers away because you were too noisy.   Maybe your old owners will take you back and you’ll be happier there.  I’d like to go to my native Australia where cockatiels are prized pets. You two are the noisiest animals I’ve ever seen but I don’t see anyone giving you away.  Beagles are British but we’re happy right here with Hank and Kathy.  That’s right – we aren’t going anywhere. 

Well, if I can’t beat the system I guess I’ll join it.  What does that mean?  From now on I’m trans-species self-identifying myself as a beagle. When’s our next walk for a beef stick?  You can’t just say you’re a beagle and get to go on walks for beef sticks!  Why not? People self-identify themselves with other genders and races all the time. The government accepts self-identification on their census so I officially self-identify as a beagle! I can’t wait for my first walk!  You can’t come on a walk with us! You don’t even have a leash  . I’m a beagle trapped in a cockatiel's body. Look - I’m wagging my tail feathers. Listen to me howl. Aw-ooooooo… Aw-ooooooo… 

It's time to release my inner beagle!  I understand that Harry self identifies as a beagle but it doesn't mean we have to like it...

This is insane! What’s the world coming to?  Well Baxter – it’s really none of our business if Harry wants to be a beagle. Let’s look on the bright side.  What bright side? All the other dogs and people will laugh at us if we have to take a walk with a cockatiel.  I’m not a cockatiel! I’m a beagle. Aw-ooooooo…  SHUT UP, HARRY!  Baxter, calm down and think about this rationally. Hank won’t get beef sticks at Kum & Go and Casey’s because they raised their prices to three for two dollars but if there are three beagles in the house…  We can get Kum & Go and Casey’s beef sticks again! YUM! I love Kum & Go and Casey’s beef sticks. YUM!!  And Harry only eats bird seed, millet spray, and popcorn so we’ll each get an extra half a beef stick!  OH BOY!! I’d love more beef stick treats! YUM!! C’mon Harry, let’s get ready for our walk! You can use my old leash.  Aw-ooooooo… 

Could this be the future of our beef stick walks?  Aw-ooooooo… 

News of the World

"Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which." George Orwell's Animal Farm

  Welcome to the Independent News of the World broadcast – the news you can trust because it is fact checked and corrected during the broadcast. I’m Frank Fantasia and I’m Tina Truepointe. Our lead story comes from the dictatorship of North Korea, Frank. Tina, it seems that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has declared the act of recording the activities of the communist state’s police force a felony offense punishable by prison time. Are there no lengths this depraved country will sink to in order to subjugate their people, Frank? First inviting Dennis Rodman in to watch a basketball game and now preventing their own citizens from protecting themselves by recording the abuses of their own police. Tina, North Korea is worlds away from the U.S. of A where our rights are guaranteed by the First, Second,and all the other amendments. No dictator is going to tell us that we can’t record our own police department! In fact the television show COPS has been on the air for 27 years and solely consists of recording police activities! The world is asking: WHAT ARE THE NORTH KOREANS TRYING TO HIDE? Tina, our fact checking department is breaking in to say --- the criminalization of recording police activities is occurring not in North Korea but in the United States where Illinois has passed a law designed to discourage the recording of police activities, New York police are accused of arresting people for recording police actions and reporters in Ferguson, Missouri were assaulted and arrested in a McDonalds when trying to report on the protests there last month.

  Well I suppose that the authorities have their reasons Frank! After all, it is a very dangerous world we live in. Our next story comes from Russia where the pariah of the free world Vladimir Putin is back to his saber rattling ways. The Russian ‘leader’ has bullied his parliament to draft a law allowing the seizure of foreign assets. Putin has to go after foreign assets since there likely isn’t any Russian money that their crooked government hasn’t already taken away, Tina. In 2003 billionaire Mikhail Khodorkovsky was jailed and his Yukos oil company appropriated by the government. Since then the other Russian oligarchs have been storing their money away from their mother country. We also received news the Russian authorities confiscated over $100,000 from two Americans traveling through the country on their way to a poker tournament. The public outcry convinced the Russians to return 90% of their ill-gotten gains. Tina, I didn’t know that there were Mexican restaurants in Russia but the Russian authorities sure do. A restaurant loosely translated as the ‘Mrs. Lady Mexican Food’ in a small Russian town known as ‘Lake of Sprit’ had their entire bank account seized by the Russian authorities under the trumped up charge of making small deposits in order to avoid detection of criminal activity. This was done even though no criminal activity was proven or criminal charges filed and the money was not returned. I imagine it went for some wall art in President Putin’s dacha, Frank. Nothing the Russians do would surprise me Tina. Luckily this story had a happy ending. The restaurant owner somehow managed to get the story published in the New York Times and the worldwide public pressure became even too much even for the Russians who agreed to drop the case and return the illegally seized monies although they did not admit to any problems in their so called ‘justice system’. Frank, our fact checkers are breaking in- it seems that the two Americans were traveling through Iowa in the United States on their way to a poker tournament and their $100,000 was seized by local police on a traffic stop and the ‘Mrs. Lady Mexican Restaurant’ is in Spirit Lake, Iowa and their bank account was seized by the I.R.S. Are you sure, Tina? I’m wondering if our fact checking department has been infiltrated by foreign spies like those North Korean hackers that are trying to stop me from seeing the Seth Rogan/James Franco comedy movie ‘The Interview’ on Christmas Day. These things just don’t happen in America. You better take the next story Tina…I have to make a call to management…

  Of course Frank. Our next story comes from Hong Kong where the citizens and police are at war. Protests have erupted over the decision of the ruling Communist Party to limit candidates to the Hong Kong Legislative Council to handpicked nominees from a secret council have met with a fierce push back from the authorities. We have reports from all over Hong Kong of police killing citizens. Grand jury probes in the Chinese administrative region have so far failed to indict any of the police officers in question. In one incident an officer put 8 bullets in a citizen after a dispute over said citizen walking down the middle of the street. In another situation, the police subdued a man using a choke hold and the man later died from ‘compression of the neck’. And in another incident, a 12 year old was shot dead in a city park by police while brandishing an 'Airsoft' gun that shoots plastic pellets. The possibility of a civil war seemed to intensify this past weekend when a Hong Kong citizen murdered two policemen that were sitting in their patrol car.

  Frank isn’t back yet but our next story comes from….wait I have another update from our fact checking department. It seems that even though there are protests in Hong Kong, the stories of police killing unarmed citizens did not originate from Hong Kong, but instead from Ferguson Missouri, New York City, and Cleveland Ohio with the police ambush also occurring in New York City…can we break for a commercial? – I’m feeling a bit dizzy and disorientated…Oh, Frank is back.

  Tina, I have a special announcement for our viewers. The ‘Independent News of The World’ show has been cancelled effective immediately but Tina and I will be back tomorrow with our new show ‘The New News Hour’ which will feature the same hard-hitting journalism you’ve come to expect but without any fact-checking getting in the way. Its news you can trust because our announcers are good looking well-dressed people with deep voices! Tune in tomorrow when we kick off a five part expose called ‘Tracked’ where we outline how the Iranians, Chinese, and Russian governments track every internet message and phone call of their own citizens. It sounds fascinating Frank – I‘m sure our viewers can’t wait – I know I can’t. Until tomorrow this is Tina TruePointe and Frank Fantasia wishing you a good night and urging you to stay informed!