Sunday, October 21, 2012

A Great Debate

  In order to prepare for the third and final Presidential debate, both parties agreed to a secret rehearsal debate a few days ago in Marshalltown, Iowa. A crack team of impartial moderators were chosen and allowed to pick the questions to ask the debate participants:

  What does the New York Yankees collapse in the playoffs against Detroit mean to you?

  Governor Romney: The Yankees spend more money on their players than any other team and should win more than one World Series every ten years, but because of all their long-term guaranteed contracts they’ve become another casualty of the Democratic Party entitlement mentality. Let’s take Alex Rodriguez for example: He’s been hurt for each of the last 2 years, his production has plummeted, but since he is guaranteed 117 million dollars over the next 5 years he can spend his time during the baseball games flirting with girls (FACT CHECK) and there’s nothing his employer can do but grin and bear it. The more people are guaranteed, the less they seem to want to work for it and that’s the culture I intend to change when I’m in office.

  President Obama: That is my opponent’s world view in a nutshell: Just because the Yankees have more money than anyone else they should win every year. I say, why should the rich get all the rewards? What about the rest of us? If I’m reelected and my plan to have people like Alex Rodriguez, Warren Buffet, and yes Governor Romney pay their fair share goes through everyone will benefit, even the Yankees. A-Rod will have to start taking better care of himself and play better to make sure he gets some World Series checks to cash in order to keep his current standard of living.

  What do you think of schools in California, New Mexico, and Illinois banning Flaming Hot Cheetos? (BACKGROUND)

  President Obama: While I’m generally in favor of individual freedom when it comes to snack foods, there has to be some limitations. Let’s face it, now that the government has mandated that everyone have health insurance and will be paying the insurance for those who can’t, we as a people just can’t afford to have a bunch of school kids eating all these Cheetos and getting obese and having heart attacks. It’s just not in the national interest for this to happen.

  Governor Romney: This is just another case of government cracking down on American exceptionalism. Here is an American owned company that has created an American made product so successful that people just can’t get enough of them and the government wants to stop their success. What’s next? Banning iPods? It’s the right of any school district to not sell a product, but to confiscate Cheetos in schools is Un-American! What about all the good American jobs the people at Frito-Lay create by the sale of Cheetos? In Iowa, I met a man named Manny who delivers Cheetos to stores all across the Midwest and his wife works at a Cheetos plant making sure that the hoppers are full of red dye #5. They’re scared to death of losing their jobs from this intervention into the snack food freedom of the families of America and if I’m elected I’ll do everything in my power to help successful American companies succeed instead to handicapping them.

  When my owner take us out for our beef stick treats in the morning, his coffee costs a dollar for a 20 ounce cup. He says this works out to 6 dollars a gallon and at a dollar and a half per 20 ounce bottle Mountain Dew is 9 dollars a gallon. My question is why is everyone so concerned about gas costing 4 dollars a gallon when coffee and soda are so much more expensive?

  Governor Romney: First of all, Mountain Dew is only 2 or 3 dollars a gallon if you were to buy it 2 liters at a time. The reason that gasoline is so much cheaper than coffee is that with the emergence of the energy drink industry, there hasn’t been the impetus to discover new sources of coffee and so we just rely on the coffee supply from South America, while the entire world has been hard at work discovering new oil fields. Oil has been discovered off shore in Brazil, the tar sands of Canada, and in shale deposits in North Dakota, just to name a few. But our President is risking our economy by his giveaway of money for companies to make batteries for electric cars and other ‘green’ initiatives instead of letting the free market meet the demand for products people want (FACT CHECK).

  President Obama: Unlike the Governor, who doesn’t even drink coffee (FACT CHECK), I understand the dilemma of coffee drinkers everywhere and I have offered numerous initiatives to find new sources of coffee for the regular people of this country who like to drink coffee. But they have been constantly stonewalled by the Republican Congress. I am happy to report that thanks to my administration’s efforts to strengthen the economy, a Dunkin Donuts will be opening in Marshalltown very soon (FACT CHECK) so some progress is being made on that front.

  Governor Romney: I must inerrupt to mention that Dunkin' Donuts does NOT serve beef stick treats!

  If you suddenly found yourself and your family had no money, how would you survive?

  President Obama: If we found ourselves down on our luck, I hope the social programs the Democrats have been the champions of would still be intact so I could get unemployment and my children could get Pell grants for college and our health care would be provided for until I could get another government job.

  Governor Romney: I think we would do just fine. As a matter of fact, my wife was just telling me about an article she had read (FACT CHECK) about someone who didn’t buy clothes for a year. Of course, the fact that we don’t drink alcohol or smoke helps to keep our expenses down. And even if I lost 99.75 percent of my money I’d still be a millionaire!

  It’s time for final statements – Governor?

  Governor Romney: Thank you for moderating the debate. I just want to tell the American people that I’ve been a successful businessman and I know how to get things done and I am the right candidate to lead this country forward.

  President Obama: I also want to thank you for moderating the debate and also for the insightful questions.
  My opponent talks about how he is a successful businessman. Here is a man who was the son of the president of an automobile company, is 65 years old, and he’s worth 250 million dollars . I’m 15 years younger, have never held a job outside academia and government and I’m already worth 10 million. (FACT CHECK) I ask you – who is more successful and able to better lead the country forward?