Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Beaglenomics

Please join me in welcoming back to the pages of the Broken Pawn the planet's most prolific beagle bloggers - Baxter and Daisy (Beagle) Anzis with their beagle-eye view of the world we live in.

  After a long cold winter it looks like spring is finally here, Baxter.  I’ll be happy to have some warmer weather Daisy although I’ll miss walking around town in my cool jacket with the skull and crossbones on the back. I think it makes me look tough, don’t you think?  I’d say that your jacket makes you look fat but I can’t blame a jacket for that. After all, you burst your last jacket at the seams.  You’ve been busting out of your sweater too, Daisy!  Mine shrank in the wash! I do need a new sweater but I’ve been trying to make do until spring to help Hank and Kathy save money. 

  And they need to save money with the unexpected expense we found out about last week.  That’s right Baxter. The Casey’s General Store that we visit on our noon time beef stick walk raised the price of their Old Wisconsin beef sticks.  And they were sneaky about it too! The container used to say 59 cents each and 2 for a dollar but now it says 59 cents each and save 10 cents on two.  Hank said that now it costs 8 percent more for beef sticks at Casey’s and he’s sure all the other convenience stores are sure to follow them and raise their prices too. 

Casey's raised their beef stick prices but they want us to think they're on sale!

  I looked in the paper to see if there were any protests about the higher beef stick prices but all I saw were stories about tax increases, Daisy. That’s right, Baxter. The town is raising taxes (click here to read about it) because they aren’t getting enough money from the state.   And the school board is raising taxes (click here to read about it) because the property values in town have gone down. Even the county is raising taxes (click here to read about it) because the values of the properties are down!   If everyone’s property is worth less than before how come everyone is raising taxes, Daisy? Probably because no one knows how to spend less money except Hank and Kathy. They’re talking about taking more beef sticks from Aldi on our walks instead of going to Casey’s. That wouldn’t be so bad, Daisy. I love beef sticks from Aldi! YUM!! They are good Baxter, but not as good as the Jack Links and Old Wisconsin beef sticks we get on our walks and they're smaller. I WANT MY CONVENIENCE STORE BEEF STICKS!! I have an idea Daisy. As long as everyone else is raising taxes maybe we can raise taxes too! I wish we could, Baxter, but it doesn’t work that way. Only the government and the school board get to raise taxes – everyone else just gets to pay them. I don’t like taxes. And then I looked on the Internet to see if other cities are raising taxes and found out some more bad news. What kind of bad news? President Obama said that he wants to raise the minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $10.10 an hour and he also want to give more overtime pay to salaried employees. What’s so bad about that, Daisy? Vince at the Jiffy can use more money and so can Jillisa at the Kum & Go. She is a supervisor and that means she has to work more than 40 hours a week all the time for no extra money. I like Vince and Jillisa. I like Vince and Jillisa too, but if they get more money it has to come from somewhere and it will probably come from higher beef stick prices out of Hank and Kathy's beef stick budget. If we could find a way to make some money, then we can help Hank and Kathy afford to pay more for our beef sticks.

Vince and Jillissa deserve a raise, but not if we have to pay more for beef sticks.
Maybe they can add more taxes on cigarettes and beer.

  Maybe we don’t have to make money, Baxter. The newspaper says that everyone borrows money by using their credit cards when they make purchases. If we can get Hank to use his credit card to buy our beef sticks then it won’t matter how much they cost. That’s a great idea but I don’t think Hank will go for it. He hates using his credit card and even when he does he pays the bill in full each month. I was thinking that since governments can raise taxes and print their own money maybe we can start our own country and print our own money for beef sticks! I like that idea! What should we call our country?.. I know! The People’s Republic of Daisy! I was thinking more of Baxterica! There’s plenty of towns named Baxter you know. Even one in Iowa! Well, we can call it Baxterica as long as my face is on the money we print. But what if the convenience stores won’t accept our currency? I didn’t think of that. Maybe once we get our country established we can get a loan from the International Monetary Fund. If we can get a meeting with the Russian leader the United States and European Union will just give us money not to sign an agreement with him. But if we took money from the United States and European Union the Russians may invade us and then the United States would retaliate by not sending a presidential delegation when we host the Paralympics. All this world affairs talk is giving me a headache. There must be an easier way to raise money for beef sticks.

If I had my own country or town, I could raise taxes and set up traffic cameras to get beef stick money!

  If we were our own town we could set up a speed trap and have the motorists pay for our beef sticks. That’s a good idea. Some towns collect millions of dollars in tickets from cameras. We could setup a camera right outside our house and the money will start rolling in. The traffic camera people would be glad to help us since they get up to half of the speeding ticket money. I wish we had our own town. It’s so easy to get beef stick money when you have a town or a government. We need another idea, Baxter.

  I’m so good looking I could have a TV show. I saw Hank watching this show where this guy helps bars that are going out of business. I’ve seen him watching that show too! It’s called ‘Bar Rescue’ and the guy’s name is John Taffer. Every week John spies on a bar using hidden cameras and then he busts in and starts yelling and cursing at the owner and the employees. I could do that! Then somebody has a meltdown and starts yelling back and then somebody gets fired. After everyone calms down, John changes the bar menu and the food menu and takes all the workers away somewhere to show them how to make the new food and drinks. While everyone is away, John has his friends completely remodel the bar and has hundreds of people come to the bar for a grand reopening. The grand reopening is always a success and then everyone hugs because John has turned the bar into a money making operation! John leaves and next week he goes to a new bar. We could start a show called ‘Beef Stick Convenience Store Rescue!’ Each week we could go to a convenience store and get some beef sticks. If the beef sticks are out of stock or take too long to get or don't taste good, then we can bark and howl at the owner and the employees. After everyone calms down then we can change the layout of the convenience store by putting the beef sticks in the window so everyone can see them. Or we could tell the owner to put the beef sticks in the back so the customers buy more items on the way to or from getting their beef sticks. We could recommend an outdoor beef stick kiosk with a wide variety of beef sticks! Then we can have the entire convenience store remodeled and everyone will hug us…wait a second…where are we going to get the money to remodel the store? I don’t have any money for remodeling or a grand reopening…I know - Maybe we can start our own country and raise taxes, Baxter!

We need to set up a beef stick sampling station right outside this door!
This store on the right has no customers but when we're done they'll be THE beef stick destination in town!

  We’re back where we started Daisy! We probably have to get a real job. What kind of job? The only things we do well are sleep, eat, walk, bark, howl, scrounge for garbage, and eat beef sticks. Aside from being so cute and lovable, that is. We could charge people to pet us and until we get some customers we can find cans and bottles and other stuff on our walk that we can sell. That’s the best idea yet! We’re always finding cans and bottles on our walks and Shirley says they’re worth a nickel each. Won’t Shirley be upset if we start picking up the cans and bottles? She likes to pick them up and bring them to the store to get nickels. Well…I feel sorry for Shirley…but this is beef stick money we’re taking about! That’s right. Nothing should come between a beagle and his beef sticks! Or her beef sticks either!

When all else fails, there's always cans and bottles (if we can get to them ahead of Shirley)