Monday, February 9, 2015

Beagle's Choice

I have to take a work trip to California this week and won't be able to blog but I was lucky enough to enlist those most literate of beagles, Baxter and Daisy to once again fill in with their incisive beagle-eye commentary.

Hank is going to California on a work trip this week and he asked us to help by writing his blog for him, Daisy.  I think Hank can write his blog from anywhere, Baxter. I really think he didn’t want to face his readers after his terrible basketball predictions last week.  They were awful. He picked three games and lost all three. I'm glad he didn’t bet our beef stick money on them.  Me too. And speaking of glad, we were all glad when you came back from the vet safely from having your teeth cleaned.  I was worried when Kathy left me at the vet but then they gave me something to make me go to sleep. I was a little groggy when I woke up but now I’m as good as new and my teeth look great! The only problem was I couldn’t eat for a whole day but I made up for lost time.  The vet said you’ve been eating way too much anyway and that you weigh 37 pounds – much more than I weigh.  That’s just my winter layer. Once the weather gets warmer I’ll get lots of exercise and the pounds will just melt away. 

My new coat is much more stylish than Baxter's because it came from Theisens instead of Wal-Mart!

I don’t like winter very much but one thing I liked about this winter is that I got a stylish new coat from Thiesens.  I got a new coat too! Mine came from the Wal-Mart. It’s black and form-fitting. It makes me look real tough like an action hero.  Wal-Mart is very nice but everyone knows that Thiesens is THE place for beagle outerwear. My coat is beige with a paw sewn onto the back. It’s very versatile. I can wear it as a turtleneck or a loose fitting sweater. Everyone tells me how nice I look in it.  We’re very lucky that Hank and Kathy can afford to get us such nice new coats to keep us warm in the winter, Daisy.  That’s right Baxter. There’s a lot of things I don’t like about the winter besides the cold weather.  For one thing, we hardly ever see Bill and Marilyn from down the block. They’re really old and don’t go on the porch when its cold.  We did see them in their driveway one day and Hank and Kathy held us up to the car windows so they could pet us.  And a couple of times we saw Marilyn in her living room and came in so she could pet us.  Marilyn told us she can't wait until the weather gets warmer so she can see us every day on our afternoon walks.  Me either. 

The other thing I don’t like about the winter is all the awards that are given out. There are the Golden Globe awards, the Oscar nominations, and a bunch of other awards.  What’s so bad about the awards, Daisy?  We can’t go to the movie theatres and Hank hardly watches any television except for sports, reruns, and his post apocalypse television shows like The Walking Dead so I always feel so left out when I hear about all the television shows and movies that get awards.  Hank and Kathy rented John Wick the other day and Hank has been watching Flash and Arrow but we never get to see any of the new movies.  And besides that Baxter, these awards really don’t look at things from a beagle point of view. We have an entirely different aesthetical sense than humans. And that’s why we decided to use this blog to have our own awards to reflect the beagle point of view.  It was a great idea Daisy. After all, we already give out a Beef Stick Convenience Store Awards every year.  Our awards are based on what we’ve seen and done over the past year. And we’re calling our awards the ‘Beagle’s Choice Awards’.  I was hoping we could call them the Baxters and the winners would get a statue of me. Everyone would want to win a Baxter so much that the entire society would start presenting things from a beagle’s point of view.  We don’t have a budget for Baxter awards. But if our awards get popular maybe we’ll get invited to television and movie premieres!  OH BOY!!! Then we could eat popcorn! I love popcorn!! YUM!!! 


Salami...YUM!!!
I think our first category should be for the best grocery store. Groceries are very important to beagles.  That’s right Daisy. The Fareway has excellent bologna that Hank uses to make sandwiches in the morning. They would be a great award winner.  I agree Baxter, but there is an even worthier grocery store.  Which one?  The one where Kathy gets specially select cured salami infused with Chianti or Pinot Grigio wines.  YES!! THE ALDI!! That salami is the best! YUM!!!  Kathy gets Hank both kinds almost every week. Hank has it as a special snack and he always gives us some.  And it tastes really good!  I agree! It’s both meaty and fatty at the same time. What I like best is how the fatty part sticks to my lips after Hank gives us some. I can taste it on my face all night long!  YUM!! And it tastes really good. I say the Beagle’s Choice for grocery stores is the ALDI!!  Aldi it is!!  Did I mention that how good the salami tastes? It tastes really good!  I think you did mention that, Baxter. 

Hmm…What category should be next? I know – how about movies?  OK Baxter. One movie we should consider is ‘Taken’. It’s on television all the time.  Liam Neeson cooks steaks for his friends at the beginning of the movie. They were big and juicy.  Then he takes his daughter to a restaurant for a strawberry shake with two cherries on top.  At the end he visits his friend Jean-Claude in Paris and Jean-Claude’s wife roasts a chicken for dinner. Liam asks for dark meat.  That’s right, Baxter. But since he has to find his daughter he doesn’t eat the chicken – he shoots Jean-Claude’s wife in the arm and makes Jean-Claude tell him how he can find Patrice St. Clair.  Liam should have shot Jean-Claude’s wife after eating the chicken, not before.  What’s the point of having Liam Neeson and a roasted chicken if he doesn’t eat it?  The other movie we saw with food in it was 'Under Seige' with Steven Seagal.  Oooooh that’s right Baxter. Steven Seagal is a cook on a ship and has to fight a bunch of bad guys.  There’s a whole kitchen full of great food, Daisy. And Steven Seagal isn’t just a cook – he’s the captain’s private chef and a martial arts expert and an explosives expert and a firearms expert.  And Steven Seagal is so dreamy…he could feed me Pinot Grigio infused salami anytime!  I could be Steven Seagal’s beagle sidekick and spring into action alongside him. After eating some Pinot Grigio infused cured salami, of course.  Of course, Baxter. It was an exciting movie and Steven had a fully stocked pantry. Let’s give the Beagle’s choice award to Under Siege.  That’s a great choice, Daisy. I hope they have the sequel , 'Under Siege 2' on television soon. 

Now that we've eaten, let's go get those bad guys, Steven!
Why yes, Steven...I'd love to join you for another slice of Pinot Grigio infused salami!

I think our next category should be television shows, Baxter. Luckily Hank watches a lot of television.  That’s true but I don’t think too much of post-apocalypse shows like The Walking Dead, The Last Ship, and Falling Skies. There never seems to be enough food.  When Hank was watching The Walking Dead last year some of people cut off Bob’s leg and cooked it and ate it right in front of Bob. That looked tasty.  I thought it was a sirloin steak myself but I like my television characters to be eating real food. When Hank used to watch Law & Order there was plenty of sandwiches, hot dogs, and Chinese takeout being eaten by all the detectives.  They eat lots of pizza too Baxter, don’t forget about the pizza…  I forgot about the pizza Daisy! YUM!! I love pizza! There’s another show we see where the main characters have a home cooked meal every show.  That’s right! All the stations have reruns of a show called 'Blue Bloods'. It’s a police show and every episode all members of this police family get together and have a big feast!  Sometimes they have two meals in the episode. It’s like Christmas every day at what house, Daisy. They have roast beef and turkey and giant hams.YUM!!  One time they had spaghetti with meatballs. The meatballs were HUGE. It was my favorite episode.  They looked really good. There’s no doubt - Blue Bloods deserves the Beagle’s Choice award for television shows. 

I’m wondering if we should have an award for politicians, Daisy.  I don’t see why not Baxter. In Iowa the former Senator Tom Harkin has an annual steak fry I love steak! YUM!! Why weren’t we ever invited, Daisy?  I think you have to donate money to attend the steak fry, Baxter. Harkin is a Democrat, Hank is a registered Republican, and Kathy is a registered Democrat but she doesn’t eat steak. It’s so sad.  Well how about Rand Paul. He’s a republican and he had a Meat and Greet on Saturday at Legends Grill. YUM!! I love meat.  Baxter! It wasn’t a MEAT and greet. It was a MEET and great. They’re not the same thing.  Oh...Does that mean there was chicken too? YUM!! I love chicken. 

Meet and Greet sounds nice but I'd like a Meat and Greet (and we can skip the greet)