A Great Meal on any Day

  Almost every Saturday I go with Kathy on a round trip to the Salvation Army and Goodwill thrift stores where she looks for additions to her Christmas Candle collection and lunch at the local Taco John’s and in between we stop at the Hy-Vee Drug Store. When I first moved to Marshalltown the store was simply called ‘Drug Town’ which was short and catchy but probably not a name you would want to have parents tell their children they are going to. We stop at the Hy-Vee Drug Store to check lottery tickets, buy popcorn from the Lions Club popcorn stand, and to check on what bargains are on sale. Most of the time there aren’t any special bargains but in the past I’ve gotten 15 stick packs of Wrigley Gum for 44 cents, packs of 24 beef sticks for 11 dollars, and apple juice for $1.16 a half gallon. Two years ago I had the chance to buy instant oatmeal for 25 cents a box although I passed since I consider oatmeal the vilest food in the universe but that’s a topic for another day.

  I didn’t have to wait long to find a bargain last Saturday at the Hy-Vee Drug Store. The entrance aisle had cases and cases of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac on sale at the low price of three for a dollar. Kathy and I waked around the store and got the popcorn and walked past the cases and cases of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac. We were almost out the door when I turned around, grabbed three boxes of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac, paid my dollar at the register, and rejoined Kathy and headed to Taco John’s where I paid $5 for a Taco Salad which is good but just a couple of unshelled tacos dumped in a big taco shell bowl when you get right down to it.

  I spent the rest of Saturday afternoon wondering why the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac was so inexpensive. Normally the Hy-Vee Drug Store has items like this on sale for at least a dollar. I considered that perhaps there was a negative connotation with the word ‘Velveeta’ which is a ‘Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product’ and not real cheese and that this sale was a way of Kraft to get rid of a failed product. I also considered that Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac might taste really awful. I decided I would have a bowl of the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac for dinner and see for myself.

The 2013 Chevy Spark mistook my Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac for a passenger...

  After Daisy and Baxter’s 6pm walk I took one of my three Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac boxes, read the instructions, and pulled the self-contained bowl out of the box. I detached the pouch of ‘Liquid Gold’ (Velveeta) and attempted to carefully peel some of the plastic cover off of the bowl. I soon discovered why the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac was on sale – the plastic cover was glued on so tight that neither Kathy nor I could peel it off. After a few minutes I took out my handy pocket knife and cut off a piece of the plastic cover. I popped the bowl in the microwave for one minute, opened the pouch of Velveeta and squeezed it into the bowl, and mixed the ‘pasteurized prepared cheese product’ into the noodles, red beans, and tiny pieces of chicken that occupied the bowl.

  I wouldn’t say the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac was the best meal I’ve ever had but it was pretty good. While the only ‘chili’ was a few red beans and there wasn’t very much chicken there was enough chicken to give the macaroni and cheese some flavor and the Velveeta wasn’t overpowering the rest of the bowl as Velveeta tends to do. The package weighed 9 ounces and I was full after I ate it and didn’t feel overstuffed. I’d have to say I enjoyed the Taco John’s Taco Salad I had for lunch more but I didn’t enjoy the taco salad twice as much and I paid 15 times more for the Taco Salad then the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac!

Trying to divine the secret to Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac's low price.

  On Sunday I only had two boxes of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac left so I headed back to the Hy-Vee Drug Store to get some more while I was mailing my Iowa Tax return at their postal station. After mailing my return, I grabbed 4 cases of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac (each containing six boxes) , headed to the counter, and $8 later was packing four cases of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac into the passenger seat of my Chevy Spark. The four cases fooled my Spark into thinking I had a passenger and tripped the passenger seat belt warning so I pulled over and put a seat belt on my four cases of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac and we all safely made it home.

  Once home, I carried the four cases into the house and began a more detailed inspection to find out why the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac was so inexpensive aside from the superglued plastic bowl cover. I looked at the case and noticed that while it was inspected for wholesomeness by the USDA there was no mention of it passing the inspection. Then I saw the outside of the box said to not reuse the tray and the cheese pouch was made from ‘real cheese’ while the ingredients clearly showed there was more canola oil than cheese in the sauce.

Upon further review the low price is a dating issue!

  I had made up my mind that I was going to have to pass on the 26 boxes of Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac since it hadn’t been deemed wholesome by the USDA inspection, the tray was so toxic it couldn’t be reused, and the cheese sauce wasn’t made from real cheese when Kathy looked at one of the cases and said ‘You can’t use them in three weeks.’ Sure enough the case clearly said ‘Use by 26 Mar 2015’ so I was OK as long as I made sure to eat at least one a day and two every other day.

  I was just about to get started when I saw that the boxes inside the case said ‘Best if used by 26 Mar 2015’ so I put the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac away and had one for dinner Sunday and took one to work on Wednesday to eat.

Three steps to a 33 cent lunch!

  I don’t especially care if my Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac is at their best when I eat them. After all, they only cost 33 cents and at that price I’m sure it would taste great in March of 2016 or 2017. I attracted a lot of attention when I cooked my Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac at the company break room on Wednesday. I’m not sure if it was because of the Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac or the fact that I was taking pictures of the process.


  I might have had to make Kraft Velveeta Chicken Chili Cheese Mac a permanent dietary staple if I had continued to tank in my basketball picks but after beating the odds on all three of my money line picks last week I'm at a manageable $380 mythical dollars in the red heading into tonight's rather lackluster slate of nine game of which only one features two likely playoff teams. As usual I'll be making my picks using the Betonline.ag lines as listed on the Yahoo Sports page for entertainment purposes only.

Los Angeles Clippers at Dallas Mavericks
The Clippers looked great in their 20 point beatdown of the Oklahoma City Thunder Wednesday but I think they will be looking past the struggling Mavericks towards Sunday's nationally televised home game against the Houston Rockets and will pick the Mavericks taking the 2 and a half points to the tune of $100.

Sacramento Kings at Philadelphia 76ers.
The 76ers have looked competitive on their recent home stand while the Kings are in the midst of an 8 game road trip. I expect the 76ers to win outright but will take the four points as insurance with a $100 bet.

Detroit Pistons at Portland Trailblazers
The Pistons are on an 8 game losing skid and I look for the Trailblazers to give them a ninth straight loss after their impressive win over the Houston Rockets on Wednesday. I don't want to lay the 8 and half points so I'll put $325 on the moneyline to pick up $100 if the pistons lose.

Golden State Warriors at Denver Nuggets
The Warriors are 'resting' all stars Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson as well as center Andrew Bogut and sixth man Andre Iguodala while the Nuggets have won four of six since firing head coach Brian Shaw. The Nuggets are 1 and a half point favorite and I expect them to continue the 'dead cat bounce' and win a game the Warriors are treating as an exhibition and bet $100 that they win and cover.