The 2016 Caucus is hereby called to order. While some states can boast of being the first caucus in the nation only this caucus can claim to be the first ever animal only caucus! I'm your host Kelly Megan. And now let’s introduce our caucus attendees:
Oreo the Dutch rabbit will represent the rodent population,
Mr. T the turtle will represent the reptiles...
Pleco will represent the fish,
and Sneezy the cat will represent the feline population
And now here are our three candidates in alphabetical order:
Baxter – a slightly overweight male beagle,
Daisy – a mature fashion conscious female beagle,
and Harry – an older male cockatiel that self-identifies as a beagle.
Let’s open the floor to questions. Pleco?
Here's my question, Kelly. Why do the top 28% of all the animals in this house eat more food than the rest of us combined? I only get a few fish flakes each day while the dogs and cats get huge bowls of food. How do the candidates propose to address this inequity?
A wonderful question! Based on a drawing of lots Baxter was chosen to answer the first question. Baxter?
The biggest animals get the most food because they eat the most! What a moronic question. Each animal gets the food they need. Let’s face it Pleco – your recommended diet is a few fish flakes each day. What would you do with a beef stick treat or a bowl of cat food?
Daisy will respond next. Daisy?
I agree that there is an inequity in the food allotment. My plan gives detailed ways to increase the household income so all the animals can have more. It would be my first priority and until then the larger animals can just make do with a little less.
And the last to answer this question will be Harry.
The reason the top 28% of the animals get more food than anyone else is because the economy is rigged. If I’m in charge all animals will share food equally. I’m tired of having the biggest get all they want and the rest of us get scraps like fish flakes and bird seed, aren't you?
Our next question comes from Oreo the rabbit.
Only the dogs and cats ever go to the vet around here. Why don’t all the animals get health care? We all get sick. Just last week I had the sniffles but no one took me to the vet.
It's Daisy's turn to answer first.
Well, the reason only the dogs and cats go to the vet is there are no preventative health programs for rabbits, fish, turtles, and cockatiels. I think this is heartless and unspeakably cruel. I have a plan to provide preventative health services for all animals and once I’m in charge my first order of business will be to implement this plan.
This is just another example of the tyranny of the larger richer animals. They eat all the food and then they get sick and use up all the health care resources. Clearly small animal lives don’t matter around here. The only way things will change is if the small animals stand together and demand health care.
Baxter, you are the last respondent.
Well it’s just a matter of economics, Kelly. Let’s face it. A dog is a significant investment and naturally their owners are willing to pay for their health care because dogs provide protection and friendship. Cats don’t provide protection but can keep the house clear of vermin so they also provide some value. What value do rabbits, fish, and the rest of you bring? You’re fun to look at? Give me a break! If you want health care you better prepare to work for it. If you don’t like it then you’re just mad at me because I’m telling it like it is.
Oh My! Well, let’s carry on before we have a riot. Next up is Mr. T the turtle. What is your question, Mr. T?
Thank you, Kelly. I would like to know why only the dogs get to go outside. I’d like to spend some time outside when the weather is warmer but I never see any of the animals outside except the dogs.
Harry will be the first to answer this question.
Once again the biggest animals get all the privileges! Look at these beagles! They eat the most food, go to the vet, AND they get to go outside. Meanwhile all the rest of us don’t get quality health care, eat fish flakes and bird food, and have to stay indoors all the time. This world was made for all animals and when I win all the animals will get their fair share of outside time!
Baxter, do you have a response?
Don’t let this cockatiel incite you into thinking you belong outside. How long do any of you think you would last outside? It’s 20 degrees out and snowing. Dogs don’t go outside because we want to. It’s because we have to! All the rest of you go to the bathroom indoors and no one raises a fuss but if a dog tries that – watch out!
Aside from Baxter’s crude remarks about defecation, I think all animals should have at least some outdoor time. I have a plan to allow for all the animals to have some supervised safe outdoor exposure and when I’m in charge it will be the first item on my agenda.
Our last question comes from Sneezy the cat.
There used to be 4 cats in the house and now I’m the only one. I’d like to know where the candidates stand on allowing more cats in the house.
Baxter, you are up first again.
First I want to make it clear that I like cats and cats like me. I think most cats are great and I love to eat cat food when I can. Having said that, we have to be very careful when allowing new cats in the house because many of them are full of fleas and other diseases and many cats are violent. We have to know what cats are trying to get here and until then I favor a temporary moratorium on more cats in the house.
Don’t let Baxter play on your fears. He just wants to keep all the perks of his privileged position. Cats are nice animals as long as they are kept out of the room when I have play time and I say the more the merrier.
Daisy, once again you have the last word.
Cats are very peaceful and perform a lot of functions that the other animals won’t do like catching mice. I welcome the diversity cats bring and my first priority would be to allow more of them in the house.
Well, this was an excellent caucus and it is time to make a decision. I see Harry is the early leader and its not even close. It’s time for our candidates' closing statements. By the drawing of lots before the caucus, Harry is slated to go first. Harry?
Thank you, Kelly. Even though I self identify as a beagle I believe in the self-determination of all animals. It’s time to put an end to the privileges enjoyed by the biggest animals in the house while the rest of us do without. I hope you’ll all join me in promoting equality for all animals.
Baxter, do you have any final comments?
I just want to say that Harry is an awesome candidate and I really like him. But he has a problem. He can’t prove he was born in this country unlike me who has papers from the AKC. And there’s also the issue of his felony conviction as this photographic evidence will show.
Oh my. It looks like the caucus goers are switching from Harry and Baxter has 75% of the votes. Our last statement will be from Daisy.
I am so shocked to see these revelations about Harry. Like Baxter I also have papers from the AKC to prove my country of origin. But unlike Baxter I’ve never been tainted by a scandal like the time Baxter was caught surfing the internet looking at promiscuous pictures.
Oh my word! Well, the final results are in and the unanimous winner is Daisy the Beagle. Congratulations, Daisy! What is the first thing you will do now that you've won the caucus?
Thank you to all my supporters. I want to say I won’t let you down but my first official act will be to take a nap…